On Your Radar

Breakthrough December 17, 2009

It’s leading up to Christmas and everyone is getting ready to snuggle up next to the fire. Snow is actually falling here in London and other parts of Britain, but I find it difficult to get that warm and fuzzy feeling inside. All I can think about is what I was doing last year this time and I feel sad that I cannot repeat last year’s festivities in the way I would want to: with the guy I love by my side.

This afternoon I had my hair done, just the colour as I’m letting it grow. I was flipping through one of the fashion magazines they have there ogling ridiculously expensive clothes wondering how many percent of the women who read this are actually able to afford such clothes. The rest of the articles that were in there were just a bunch of really sad stories, which made me feel even sadder in light of my already gloomy mood.

It was there in my slightly uncomfortable salon chair that I had a breakthrough. As my thoughts once again went back to my ex-boyfriend I stopped my train of thought and felt annoyed. Why? Why in the world can’t I stop thinking about him? I want to stop thinking about him.

I know it sort of contradicts the purpose of this blog. I’m writing it for him so that he won’t forget me until we show up in each other’s lives again, as friends that is. But surely I have the right to stop thinking about him.

As my hair was being shampooed I imagined his name had been written two dozen times on my scalp and whoever was rinsing my hair and massaging my scalp was rubbing them off. My head was being cleared of his name.

I am going home for Christmas and New Year’s tomorrow. I will spend two weeks of quality time with friends and family and the last thing I want is to think about him constantly. That does not mean I will forget about him, I just need to stop thinking about him.