On My Radar Again For Now January 2, 2010
Posted by littlebeadle in 1.Tags: Ex-boyfriend, love, relationships
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I will make my own decisions! That seems pretty plain doesn’t it? But yet we let other people influence us every day. Whether this is because we’re talking to an expert who knows better than us and we blindly follow, because we’re talking to a loved one who we blindly follow anyway or because we’re talking to someone who makes a convincing argument.
When my ex convinced me that him being on my radar was not a good thing for me I agreed with him. Every time I read something he said or about what he did it did not make me feel any better that we were apart. So he did not even have to argue his point. I was in love with him and followed him blindly though with a hint of my own reasoning.
But lately I’ve had the feeling that I’ve come to a point where no contact is starting to do me no good. Not that contact will do me good in particular, but no contact is just keeping me in the same state. The state I’m in (this makes it sound more dramatic than it actually is) is a little bit still a case of blind love. I am not afraid to say here (for the whole two views a day) that I still love him. But what is harder for me to admit is that I still haven’t given up hope.
For me it will not be over until I see him again, until I speak to him again, until I can look him in the eye and see that there is nothing there anymore. No contact is not going to establish this. So in preparation for this moment I might as well bring him back on my radar.
I know he probably thinks this is too soon, but we’re officially still not in contact and so he’s not in a position to comment on it at the moment. I have to say that now when I talk about things that other people, including him, are talking about but I get no reaction from him I sort of feel ignored. This was exactly the same as before I took him off my radar. I wonder if I can put up with this for as long as needed but perhaps I will have to take him off again.
I Want to Be a Big Heart December 28, 2009
Posted by littlebeadle in Broken Hearted.Tags: Ex-boyfriend, Friends, Identity, love, Paganism
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I really have to say that lately I have been thinking nearly as much, or even more about who I want to be than I was in my teenage years. I wonder whether adults are sometimes too aware of who they are and want to change who they are too much which can be an extremely unnatural process. I am definitely one of these adults.
For example at the moment I am very interested in Paganism. For those who don’t know what this is: in short it officially means all other religions that are none Christian, often these are polytheist and even more often people associate them with the Occult and Wicca. I’m reading a book just to discover what it is exactly but I find myself fantasizing about becoming part of a coven, I’m ogling an organizer with all kinds of meaningful dates and celebrations noted in it thinking I will start living by these dates. But then I realize that is not who I am, at least not at the moment. I enjoy reading about it and I can find myself in the descriptions but I do not actually see myself performing any rituals.
I think about once a year I go through one of these phases where I need a drastic change. Going through a break up though I think I need a dozen drastic changes, but some just aren’t feasible. It’s just that, staying the person who I was before the break up just doesn’t feel right. Not that this person was a bad person or weak of character. I feel the need to become an even better person, which is probably much to do with my competitive nature.
I know that the break up, or so I have been told by several people including my ex-boyfriend, had nothing to do with me. But of course I can’t help but think about what I could have done to keep him from falling out of love with me. And I can’t help worrying about a possible future relationship and if the same thing is not going to happen again, however abstract another relationship might seem to me at the moment.
I want to be a person with a very big heart, but I’m afraid that I will end up getting hurt again. Much like in the video for Another Chance by Robert Sanchez where the girl wakes up with a very big heart very morning and it shrinks throughout the day. When she’s found a nice guy and he sees her big heart the next morning he thinks she is weird.
I want my heart to be so big that I can be friends with my ex and help him become happy again without having any ulterior motives. Because I know that he is unhappy at the moment, and he doesn’t deserve to be. No one deserves to be unhappy that is one thing I am not confused about. Sadly this is easier said than done.
Merry Christmas – Here’s Some Gifts for You December 27, 2009
Posted by littlebeadle in Broken Hearted.Tags: Christmas, Dream, Ex-boyfriend, family, Gifts, love
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Though Christmas is not really a feast of gifts the way we celebrate it now, gifts were actually involved. The three kings came and brought gifts. Unfortunately my religious knowledge does not extend much further so I will refrain from saying anything else that might be wrong.
This Christmas I got several gifts. Some were actual gifts, some weren’t really gifts and were nice, some weren’t gifts and weren’t nice. It all started very early on Christmas morning with a dream.
I dreamt that my ex-boyfriend and I were still living together though we weren’t a couple anymore. Our daily patterns were thus scheduled that we didn’t see each other really. But one day I saw him struggle to wrap Christmas presents using glue and I looked at him and he looked up at me and his face expressed a deep unhappiness and some guilt, it was horrible. Then another day, my sister and mum were there, he came to me and said that if I ever wanted to use leather straps in our bed with someone else that would be fine. I immediately saw through this and asked him if this was because he had found someone else to do this with. I was right and I quizzed him about her. I was so upset and angry that I tried to hit him and slap his face but I had my usual dream-strength, which is close to zero. In the end I told him that as long as we lived under one roof no one would be doing anything with anyone else in our bed. I awoke after this and couldn’t sleep for several hours worrying about his wellbeing. Nice gift I thought to myself.
The second gift wasn’t really a gift either but it was nice. We had a white Christmas, which is something that I have never seen in my life. Though it wasn’t as special as one would hope. The snow had been there for days and simply remained for Christmas day. Of course it would have been more special if there wasn’t any snow to begin with and then it would have snowed over night. But nevertheless it was white.
Finally later that evening I got some real gifts. I like receiving gifts, it’s nice. Who doesn’t like receiving gifts? But what I like even better is giving gifts. And I have to say I indeed brought more presents with me then I am bringing back. I love seeing people’s faces when they unwrap presents and the warmth with which they thank you. That for me itself is a present and what Christmas is all about.
Why This is not Pathetic but also not Interesting (Yet) December 21, 2009
Posted by littlebeadle in Broken Hearted.Tags: Ex-boyfriend, love, romance, Self awareness
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So back to the premise of this blog; I am writing it not to be forgotten by someone who I still love dearly but who has stopped loving me. I am insane you say? Well, yes is the answer. I love him an insane amount. I am pathetic you say? I say the answer here is no. This has several reasons.
One is because I am not exactly writing it for him now am I? If you would correctly interpret I am actually doing it for me, for me not to be forgotten. I am not just another girl to walk into someone’s life and just be sent back again. And I also did not just choose any odd guy to share my life with. And this is the reason I do not want to be forgotten, excuse my arrogance.
Two is because this blog has turned out not to be a means of holding on. This is in turn, because outside this blog I have a whole other life in which I have to deal with the whole reality of what has happened. Belief it or not but I am going through the whole natural process of letting go and moving on. However slow or fast it might be going, this blog is not speeding it up or slowing it down.
Three is because I am thoroughly enjoying writing this, nearly, every day. I will let you in on a personal level and will let you know that even though I don’t make a living out of it, I consider myself to be a writer. I have done a course and though this doesn’t make me a writer, it does make it more official (I guess I am just saying this because there are probably quite a few people out there calling themselves writers, but I certainly don’t blame you if you think I am one of them). It’s just so damn difficult sometimes to write but now I am writing nearly every day and it makes me feel great.
Most of you will still think that this is a pathetic idea. And trust me I do care. I want to make this blog more interesting and more engaging (and I write make because I know it just isn’t really very interesting at the moment). I am just trying to find the right style and the right topics to write about, so any feedback is welcome. I want to know what it takes to get those page views. Not for the sake of becoming successful (that’s what most people want anyway), but for the sake of understanding how blogging works.
I have let him, my ex-boyfriend, know about the blog and I wonder if he’s going to take a look or not. I would like him to read this every day as if it were just another blog. As if it were something casual to read, something that might perhaps make him a little happier, because I want him to be happy. Whether that is with or without me.
Koko Again December 12, 2009
Posted by littlebeadle in Broken Hearted.Tags: cute, going out, good food, Koko london, love, skirt
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I’ve had probably had the best Saturday in weeks, maybe even months. I lazed in bed, went for a run, went to yoga class, did shopping and had the best lunch in a long time.
Lunch consisted of a salad with green leaves, tomato, avocado and roasted pine nuts with a dressing of olive oil with a hint of pesto. I had two sundried tomato and basil rolls, two soft-boiled eggs and some asparagus. It was actually more like breakfast, lunch and dinner in one because all I had eaten up until that point was an apple.
Tonight I will be going to Koko again, unless we end up somewhere else. It’s funny how now that I am single again I’m a much more sociable person. I don’t know why I did not do these things before and of course I can’t help but wonder what things would have been like if I did do these things more when we were still together.
It’s not like I am going out now to meet new guys. I am not at all ready for someone else and at this point don’t even want someone else. Again, I wish he could see me. I’m clad in my home-hand-made mini skirt with little heart shaped buttons on it. I wore it once when we were still together and I know he would have liked to see me wear it more. It’s strange how I feel that I’ve become someone I think he would’ve liked even better now that we’re apart.
I haven’t become this person to win him back. I know there is no winning him back. If it so happens that we get back together again it will not be due to a contest. I can only be myself. I cannot influence him into loving me again. I’ve become this new person to make me feel good about myself, because I am the only one I have at this moment.
