On Your Radar

I Want to Be a Big Heart December 28, 2009

I really have to say that lately I have been thinking nearly as much, or even more about who I want to be than I was in my teenage years. I wonder whether adults are sometimes too aware of who they are and want to change who they are too much which can be an extremely unnatural process. I am definitely one of these adults.

For example at the moment I am very interested in Paganism. For those who don’t know what this is: in short it officially means all other religions that are none Christian, often these are polytheist and even more often people associate them with the Occult and Wicca. I’m reading a book just to discover what it is exactly but I find myself fantasizing about becoming part of a coven, I’m ogling an organizer with all kinds of meaningful dates and celebrations noted in it thinking I will start living by these dates. But then I realize that is not who I am, at least not at the moment. I enjoy reading about it and I can find myself in the descriptions but I do not actually see myself performing any rituals.

I think about once a year I go through one of these phases where I need a drastic change. Going through a break up though I think I need a dozen drastic changes, but some just aren’t feasible. It’s just that, staying the person who I was before the break up just doesn’t feel right. Not that this person was a bad person or weak of character. I feel the need to become an even better person, which is probably much to do with my competitive nature.

I know that the break up, or so I have been told by several people including my ex-boyfriend, had nothing to do with me. But of course I can’t help but think about what I could have done to keep him from falling out of love with me. And I can’t help worrying about a possible future relationship and if the same thing is not going to happen again, however abstract another relationship might seem to me at the moment.

I want to be a person with a very big heart, but I’m afraid that I will end up getting hurt again. Much like in the video for Another Chance by Robert Sanchez where the girl wakes up with a very big heart very morning and it shrinks throughout the day. When she’s found a nice guy and he sees her big heart the next morning he thinks she is weird.

I want my heart to be so big that I can be friends with my ex and help him become happy again without having any ulterior motives. Because I know that he is unhappy at the moment, and he doesn’t deserve to be. No one deserves to be unhappy that is one thing I am not confused about. Sadly this is easier said than done.