Perfect, or Perfectly Stupid? January 31, 2010
Posted by littlebeadle in 1.Tags: housework, ponderings, relationships
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Is it wrong to be a people pleaser? As long as you don’t neglect yourself over other people, is there anything out of order with wanting to make other people happy? I would say not. Surely the fact that you want to make sure other people are happy is something the world could not have enough of.
I used to do shopping and cooking every day. I used to do the laundry (and I hate how this words includes everything from sorting to putting it in and taking it out of the machine, hanging it, taking it down, folding it and putting it away, makes it not sound so easy all of a sudden huh), I used to clean the bathroom and water the plants. When we had guests I used to make a little more special dinner and I used to make desert. I listened to music that wasn’t my taste and watched video games. Why did I do all this?
There are two reasons. Love being the most obvious one, but mostly because I did not mind. In fact, I loved it. I love taking care of other people and especially when other people is just that special someone. And I can’t help but think to myself, was I pretty near to being the perfect girlfriend? Or was I being perfectly stupid?
Is there even such a thing as the perfect girlfriend? Is it a mistake to want to do nearly everything for the one person you care most about in the whole word? Or is this the most generous gift you could ever give to a person? We all know that men need a little taking care of. Unfortunately, measuring how much taking care of they need is something that no tool has yet been invented for. Therefore, when you are, like me, someone that likes to do a whole lot of taking care of, you might find you lose yourself in the process sometimes.
Another problem is that one cannot expect the other person to do the same amount of taking care. Fortunately this is something I never did, but I couldn’t help but expecting a little taking care of. Instead I just took care of myself, and probably created the idea that I was perfectly happy doing this. Or even worse, I took such good care of myself; I was too much competition to handle.
Still one can’t do anything more or less than being you. Of course, in a relationship one has to make compromises. That doesn’t mean you’re not yourself, as long as you are happy making those compromises. Call me perfectly stupid, but I have been happy throughout my life making compromises and taking care of other people and I will continue to do so until I’m practically perfect.
On My Radar Again For Now January 2, 2010
Posted by littlebeadle in 1.Tags: Ex-boyfriend, love, relationships
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I will make my own decisions! That seems pretty plain doesn’t it? But yet we let other people influence us every day. Whether this is because we’re talking to an expert who knows better than us and we blindly follow, because we’re talking to a loved one who we blindly follow anyway or because we’re talking to someone who makes a convincing argument.
When my ex convinced me that him being on my radar was not a good thing for me I agreed with him. Every time I read something he said or about what he did it did not make me feel any better that we were apart. So he did not even have to argue his point. I was in love with him and followed him blindly though with a hint of my own reasoning.
But lately I’ve had the feeling that I’ve come to a point where no contact is starting to do me no good. Not that contact will do me good in particular, but no contact is just keeping me in the same state. The state I’m in (this makes it sound more dramatic than it actually is) is a little bit still a case of blind love. I am not afraid to say here (for the whole two views a day) that I still love him. But what is harder for me to admit is that I still haven’t given up hope.
For me it will not be over until I see him again, until I speak to him again, until I can look him in the eye and see that there is nothing there anymore. No contact is not going to establish this. So in preparation for this moment I might as well bring him back on my radar.
I know he probably thinks this is too soon, but we’re officially still not in contact and so he’s not in a position to comment on it at the moment. I have to say that now when I talk about things that other people, including him, are talking about but I get no reaction from him I sort of feel ignored. This was exactly the same as before I took him off my radar. I wonder if I can put up with this for as long as needed but perhaps I will have to take him off again.
