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Why This is not Pathetic but also not Interesting (Yet) December 21, 2009

Posted by littlebeadle in Broken Hearted.
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So back to the premise of this blog; I am writing it not to be forgotten by someone who I still love dearly but who has stopped loving me. I am insane you say? Well, yes is the answer. I love him an insane amount. I am pathetic you say? I say the answer here is no. This has several reasons.

One is because I am not exactly writing it for him now am I? If you would correctly interpret I am actually doing it for me, for me not to be forgotten. I am not just another girl to walk into someone’s life and just be sent back again. And I also did not just choose any odd guy to share my life with. And this is the reason I do not want to be forgotten, excuse my arrogance.

Two is because this blog has turned out not to be a means of holding on. This is in turn, because outside this blog I have a whole other life in which I have to deal with the whole reality of what has happened. Belief it or not but I am going through the whole natural process of letting go and moving on. However slow or fast it might be going, this blog is not speeding it up or slowing it down.

Three is because I am thoroughly enjoying writing this, nearly, every day. I will let you in on a personal level and will let you know that even though I don’t make a living out of it, I consider myself to be a writer. I have done a course and though this doesn’t make me a writer, it does make it more official (I guess I am just saying this because there are probably quite a few people out there calling themselves writers, but I certainly don’t blame you if you think I am one of them). It’s just so damn difficult sometimes to write but now I am writing nearly every day and it makes me feel great.

Most of you will still think that this is a pathetic idea. And trust me I do care. I want to make this blog more interesting and more engaging (and I write make because I know it just isn’t really very interesting at the moment). I am just trying to find the right style and the right topics to write about, so any feedback is welcome. I want to know what it takes to get those page views. Not for the sake of becoming successful (that’s what most people want anyway), but for the sake of understanding how blogging works.

I have let him, my ex-boyfriend, know about the blog and I wonder if he’s going to take a look or not. I would like him to read this every day as if it were just another blog. As if it were something casual to read, something that might perhaps make him a little happier, because I want him to be happy. Whether that is with or without me.

The Cutting of the Chord December 9, 2009

Posted by littlebeadle in Broken Hearted.
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Sometimes when you focus on certain things it is hard to see anything but that thing. This is the case most of the time at least. But yesterday when all I could focus on was the fact that I have so much trouble de-committing myself from a relationship that is currently non-existing, I saw the simple truth that there is nothing else for me to do but let go.

It won’t mean that I am not true to my feelings towards him. Just because I stop fighting doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore. It means that I free myself from this struggle that is holding on, because I am holding on to nothing at the moment. And if I have learned anything in the past few weeks it is that holding on to nothing is the hardest of all.

It’s much like when you carry a heavy plastic bag and it cuts your hand after you’ve been carrying it for a while. But when you try to reposition your hand slightly so that it will cut another part of your hand, the place where it was cutting before hurts even more and you’re better off keeping the bag in place even though it hurts.

Like that I have always been holding on. Not that I have held on while it hurt. But I have always been so afraid of how much it would hurt if I would let go that I have always have held on too tight. I have always been afraid that I would be pushing away and that I would never get back. And now I’ve lost completely.

Letting go then is the only thing left to do. It’s easier said than done. I’m trying to find some feasible form of actually doing this. One of my ideas is buying a bunch of colourful strings, tie about 60 pieces together and cut one off each day. Or perhaps I should make 60 little origami butterflies and set one “free” each day. Suggestions are welcome.

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